A letter to my son

Dear Bereket,

A month ago, we saw your picture for the first time.  You looked so serious, so handsome, so sad.  Your big beautiful eyes told a story... of loss, of pain, of loneliness.  With your photo, we received some brief information about your life; your history, your medical condition.  But nothing of who you really are... What makes you laugh, what scares you, what you love most... You are a beautiful mystery to us...

We are thrilled to be matched with you, so excited that you will, Lord willing, become our son!  I wish that there was some way we could tell you, “You are loved.  We are coming.”  Because we cannot tell you that, we pray.   I pray that the Lord will shelter you and protect you.  I pray that you will have the most loving and kind caregivers, people who will speak truth into your heart and prepare you for the love of a family again.  I pray for friends, children with whom you can pass the days, playing and laughing as children should.  I pray that somehow, relationships you are building now will be able to be maintained once you are in Canada. I pray that somehow, in your heart, you can feel peace, knowing that you are not alone in the world; that God is with you, and that we are waiting, ready to welcome you into our home.

While we pray, we also prepare.  The past month has been a flurry of activity for us!  Preparing documents, applying for passports, receiving vaccinations and other travel necessities, preparing a bedroom for you and Thomas.  I know you probably don’t care what color your room is; perhaps this is more for me than you. Just as pregnant mothers “nest” by getting everything ready for their baby, so am I “nesting” and getting things ready for you.  I can’t really shop for you yet, as I have no idea what size you will be by the time we bring you home, but the room... The room I can prepare now.  It excites me just to think about the day you will come home, the day two brothers will share that room (though of course, you may choose to sleep with us, instead).

A brother, and a sister.  I wish you could know now how excited Faith and Thomas are to have a new brother.   Our adoption process has gone on for so long... I think they doubted it would ever happen.  Now that we know it is you we are waiting for, our hearts are so full.  Oh, to be sure, they have some worries... Will you like them? Will the three of you get along?  As I write this, they are playing in the backyard and their laughter drifts in the open window.  By next summer, your laughter will be mingled with theirs.

A few weeks after first seeing your face, we received a gift... A snapshot of you, smiling.  Your eyes are twinkling, and you look so... relaxed... joyful... compared to your first picture.  Oh, son, how that warmed my heart!  Just to know you are well, that you have something to smile about, to see that you have settled into your temporary home. This gives me hope that you will settle into our home, too.  It gives me a glimpse of you.  I set this picture up on my phone so it appears every time I turn on my phone.  Every time, it makes me smile to see you.

Oh, my boy, how I wish we could come now... Today even!  We don’t know how long it will be, but we trust it will work out in the Lord’s timing.  While we wait - while you wait - I pray that God begins the work of knitting our hearts together in a supernatural way.  I pray that every detail will come together just as it needs to, that we will be united and begin the real work of becoming family to each other.

Sending my love,

Mom

This and that...

Well, we didn't end up getting an update about Bereket last week.  Hopefully something will come this week!  I can't wait to see how he's grown and changed.  We are also hopeful that we will hear about a court file number soon (or even better - hear that it was submitted a while ago and they forgot to tell us!).  I'm starting to really doubt that we will travel in July, and am trying to prepare my heart for the longer wait.

On Friday, the kids and I, along with my mom, went to Barrhead.  We  had a nice visit with my Auntie Julie and Uncle Ken, and enjoyed seeing their beautiful home and gardens.  We hung out for a few hours, ate lunch together, and then the kids and I went to visit a "new" friend and her children.  This mom is also an adoptive mom, and we had connected online, but never in person.  It was a gorgeous day, and we had a great time visiting in their yard while the kids played on the slip-and-slide.  J is delightful, as are her children, and it was especially neat to see Thomas and Faith getting to know their Ethiopian-born children, who are 3 and 6.  Thomas surprised me by having lots of questions for the six year old boy - about coming to Canada, learning English, etc.  It was a cool insight into where his mind is at in terms of our own adoption.  Afterwards, he told me that the kids were "just like regular ordinary kids", which may sound obvious to us, but evidently was very reassuring to Thomas. :)   After leaving our new friends' home, we drove back to my aunt & uncle's farm to pick up my mom, and ended up staying for supper and another visit there, which was a lovely way to end a very fun day.

Since I can't share pictures of Bereket on the blog, I thought I would share this website. http://99littlephotos.weebly.com/99littlephotos.html  These pictures were taken at the orphanage Bereket is living at, by the children themselves.  They were taken in late 2011, I think, so it was before Bereket lived there, but I still think it is cool to have a look at his surroundings and the beautiful children and staff.  I hope you enjoy them!

And now, off to go keep working on the boys room!  Hopefully I will be able to post "finished" pictures by the end of the week!

Heather

Getting Ready...

Because we don't know when we will be travelling, we are trying to prepare now.  If they do tell us we have a court date in July, I want to be ready!  We have had our travel vaccines, picked up our non-prescription and prescription travel medicine, and received the kids' new passports.  It doesn't sound like much, I guess, but it's kept me busy and driving all over town.

We also are trying to get the kids' bedrooms sorted out.  Originally, Faith had the larger bedroom and Thomas had the smaller one.  I had thought maybe the two boys could share the smaller one, as my experience is that boys don't play in their rooms quite as much as girls.  I wanted to get two of the KURA loft beds from IKEA, so that each boy would have his own "private space" underneath.  We got Thomas' room emptied out, and built one of the beds. It was quickly apparent that, no matter how we arranged the room, two beds just wouldn't fit!

So, we had to change plans, and switch Faith to the smaller room.  In order for her bedding and accessories to match, we repainted the room in coordinating colors.  She is more or less moved in to the new room.  I'll take pictures once we hang her decorations back on the wall and whatnot.

In the boys' new room, I decided  to repaint as well.  One wall had been painted with glossy-on-matte stripes and that proved a bit tricky to cover!  Eventually a skim-coat of drywall mud and two coats of primer beneath two coats of paint did the trick.  The other two walls, I am planning to paint with varying width horizontal stripes, in tan, cream, navy, medium blue, and brown.  Why pick one colour when you can pick five?!

My mom and I were going to start on the stripes yesterday, but we discovered the laser level was missing it's "bubble" (???) and our attempts with the 4' level and a tape measure were leading to frustration, so we called it quits for the night.  I bought a new level and we will try again tonight or tomorrow.

In terms of other things we still need to do to prepare, there's not too much.  I want to make a photo book to leave with Bereket with pictures of our home and family, but I'm waiting until the bedrooms are done to do that.  We will apply for our tourist visas in advance, rather than at the airport, but I'm pretty sure we need a travel date first.

It feels like a whole lot of hurry up and wait!  I am hopeful that we will get an update on Bereket tomorrow, as they usually go out at the end of the month.  Can't wait to see a new picture and find out if he has grown!

On another note, tomorrow the kids and my mom and I will be going to Barrhead to visit my aunt and also to meet another adoptive family for a playdate.  We have "known" each other online for a while, but this is our first in person meeting, so that's exciting! :)  One thing about meeting adoptive families online... at least you know they passed an Interpol check! hahaha!  Just kidding! ;)

~Heather

Questions we've been asked

We've been asked a few questions about Bereket and/or our adoption process, and I thought I'd attempt to answer them here in one place. Please don't let this discourage you from asking more questions!

In no particular order...

Are you disappointed your referral wasn't for siblings?  Most of you know that we had been hoping we would be referred siblings.  However, we trust that the Lord has a plan for our family.  We have seen his hand on our adoption process too many times to doubt this.  Indeed, we sort of had an accidental "head's up" a few months ago that we would likely be matched with a six-year old boy.  It was a bit of a shock at the time, but with time to consider things, we determined that this could be just the right fit for our family. :)  The very day that we first heard about this possibility, Thomas randomly said "I hope one of our Ethiopian kids is 5 or 6... Like a twin for me!"  Anyway, we now see how the Lord perfectly worked it out so that we had time to "get used to the idea" before we officially were matched with Bereket! It's entirely different once you are matched with a particular child... We are so excited for him to become our son!

What do you know about Bereket's history? We don't know tons, and some of what we do know we are choosing to keep private at this time.  Here's what we are happy to share with you:  Bereket was born in Adama/Nazret to a very young mother.  He came to KVI Adama in October 2012.  Sometime between then and now, he was moved to the KVI Addis Orphanage.  Thanks to friends who visited the orphanage recently, we know that Bereket is friendly but shy, has a gorgeous smile and likes to chew gum! Haha, just like Thomas. :)

Is it official?  Could things still go wrong? It is not official until after we pass court.  That said, it is very rare that we would not pass court.  In our 6+ years of following the Ethiopian adoption scene, I have only seen two families "lose" their referrals.  That is so very sad when it happens, but very rare.  Still, we ask for your prayers that things unfold according to God's will, whatever that ultimately looks like.

Why are you bringing Faith and Thomas? When we began this process, the kids were very young.  Our plan was to leave them with grandparents, as we didn't think they'd enjoy the travel, or get much out of visiting Ethiopia.  Now, though, at 6 and 8.5, we feel they are old enough to handle the travel (they still might not enjoy it!) and think they will really benefit from seeing Ethiopia in person.  They will also get to meet Bereket with us, and I think they will all benefit from meeting before he comes home.  As well, we hope to be able to visit our Compassion Child, Ayantu, with whom Faith has been writing for the past 3 years. We know the trip might not always be "easy" or "fun" but we think it is in their long-term best interest. We will also try to take a little "mini-vacation" in Ethiopia and see some of the more touristy historical sites.

What is next? First, our dossier needed to be translated and authenticated.  I think this usually takes 3-4 weeks, so it should be done soon.  After that, our file will be submitted to court, and we will be assigned a court file number.  After that, there will be a court date that is attended by the authorities in Ethiopia (MOWA) and/or members of the birthfamily.  Once that passes, we will be told the date that we are required to appear in court.  The timeline for that seems to range from 5 days to 4 weeks.   Because of the timing of our referral, we will be very nip and tuck in terms of getting a travel date before the court closures (August - September).  We have noticed that in past years, things do seem to speed up as the closures approach, as they try to get as many cases through as possible.  Basically though, we do not "expect" to get through this summer, but we are hoping and praying we will!  Please pray with us!  Pray also that we have peace either way, and that Bereket is well cared for while he waits for us.

Ok, I think that's about it for now... If I think of things, I guess I'll post again! :)
Thanks for reading!
Heather

After 5 years, 3 months, and 4 days...

On May 29th, after 5 years, 3 months, and 4 days of waiting, we finally got "the call"! Thomas had had a baseball game, and so we had got the kids to bed a little later than usual. We had just sat down on the couch and Dave had turned on the TV. We have call display that shows up on the TV screen, and when the phone rang, Dave looked at the name and was like, "Do we know this person?" I shouted, "Yes! Get a phone! It's our social worker!" and we scrambled all over the house to find a cordless phone.




When we finally answered she asked if we knew why she was calling. My answer was something like, "No. Well, I mean, I HOPE I know, but I don't really know anything." She laughed and told us she finally had an official proposal to go over with us, a 6 year old boy named Bereket. She spent about 15 minutes on the phone with us and then emailed us his information. Seeing Bereket's face for the first time was so magical! He looks so serious, but handsome. His eyes are sad, and you can just tell he has experienced a lot in his 6 years. It is so nice to finally have a face and a name to pray for specifically after all these years!


By the time we had read through his file, it was far too late to wake the kids and tell them! We wanted to talk to Dr. Baxter, the international adoption doctor, before we made an official public announcement, just in case. I knew Thursday would be a tough day for me as I do NOT do secrets well (especially good secrets!!!). I told a few dear "adoption friends" and a couple very close people during the day on Thursday. Our consult with the doctor was not scheduled until 8:30 pm, so we decided to tell the kids before they went to bed. 

The kids were so awesome when we told them. We spoke to Faith separately so that if she had any big feelings about not getting a baby, we could address that without an audience. But the only big feeling appeared to be joy! She is so ready to move on with the process (like the rest of us!) She was so thrilled that "they picked us for a kid". And she's excited to have TWO little brothers. Thomas was happy, but I think he has almost been assuming he'd get a close-in-age brother, so he was just sort of "that's good" and back to the business of playing. 

After we told the kids, we had fun calling the grandparents and aunts & uncles and sharing our exciting news. I had all these fun ideas in mind for how to do the announcement, but when it actually came down to it, I was too impatient to have t-shirts printed or anything like that! We had fun calling everybody and asking questions like "do you think 3 kids will fit in the hot tub?" or whatever (different for each person). 

Later, we had our phone consult with the adoption doctor and it was excellent! Bereket's medical looks very straightforward, and she had lots to say about attachment and transitions and virtual twinning and more. It was a 90 minute phone call and I definitely feel it was worth the $200 she charged. I'm so glad that we have her available as a local resource for after the adoption. So much wisdom and experience (she is also an adoptive parent herself).

Friday, May 31, we emailed in our acceptance and also announced to our extended family and friends. It was so exciting to finally be able to post on the Yahoo group and update the database! What a milestone!

Just for fun, here is the little video that the kids made to announce our proposal on Facebook.

The last 6 months...

The last six months things finally started to get interesting.  I don't want to get into all the details here, but every month seemed to offer just a sliver of a hint that something was happening with our file.  On April 5, we got a phone call from our local agency that a representative from the AB government had tried to email us, but her email had bounced back.  I corrected the email address (they had spelled our last name wrong), and asked if she knew what the email was about. She told me that it was because our homestudy had expired!  You could have knocked me over with a feather!  I thought we were due for an update this July, but somehow, there had been confusion and we were actually due LAST July.  We had gone 9 months with an expired homestudy!!!  Honestly I was a little choked.  I mean, the Vehicle Registrations expire every year, and yet they send a reminder in the mail!  Heck, the library emails when you have overdue books!  How had this slipped through the cracks for so long?!  The gal from CAS was very encouraging and said that really, it was a good thing that the gov't was looking at our file, as it likely meant a proposal was on its way to us.   I really think it was a God thing that the first email bounced, as it was so good to find out over the phone and be able to discuss it with CAS first.  If I had just received that email out of the blue, I might have blown a gasket!

We scrambled and did our update in record speed.  We found out about the expiry issue on a Friday, had our homestudy appointment that Sunday, and completed medicals, fingerprints, intervention checks, and new reference letters over the next 2 weeks.  Waiting for the fingerprints and intervention checks to come back was a killer... Every day felt like wasted time!  I think in the end, we submitted our updated homestudy and supporting documents on April 26th.  We had been told that if we had a proposal waiting, they would process our homestudy very quickly.  We waited on pins and needles for the phone to ring...

And waited, and waited.  The next 3 weeks were among the longest in my life!  Part of my "rush" was knowing that MoT wouldn't start preparing our statutory declaration and translating/authenticating our file until our homestudy approval was done.  If we were to get a proposal in the spring, and if we were to have any chance of getting into court before the closures (August & September), everything needed to happen as quickly as possible. Finally, on May 22nd, I couldn't stand it anymore, and emailed Adoption Services to ask how long approvals were generally taking these days.  I received a very kind response that we would receive our approval within the week.  On Tuesday, May 28th, our approval letter came in the mail, and I sent a scanned copy of our entire dossier to MoT that morning, followed by hard copies in the mail.

We weren't sure what would happen next.  We didn't even know for sure if there WAS a child's file waiting for us; we had found out that the first Adoption Services lady who had emailed us was now on maternity leave.  What if she had discovered our homestudy was expired while she was "tidying up" for her mat leave, and it had nothing to do with an imminent referral?

5 years later...

So, if you happened to scroll down to the beginning of this blog, you will see that the original 3 posts are over 5 years old!  It has been a long journey indeed!  In some ways, lots has happened, but in other ways, we were in a "holding pattern" for the past 5 years.

After my optimistic post below that we would be matched in the winter of 2008/09, we obviously were not.  Adoption proposals for our agency slowed to a trickle and we wondered what was wrong.  In July 2009, we received quite a shock when Imagine Adoption declared bankruptcy!  The agency director, and her husband (and her lover) have been accused of misusing agency funds.  As well, they seemed to spend money like it was water, even on "legitimate" things.  I should have known something was up when they mailed us a guide to Ethiopia and a custom-printed kleenex package at the time we began our adoption!  For a time, we thought this was the end of our adoption dream, but adoptive parents across the country rallied together and presented a strong plan to the bankruptcy trustees.  The agency was restructured, all families who wanted to stay on paid new fees, and we again began the process of waiting to be matched.

Our initial request was for siblings under 2 (our SW told us that would be considered up to 35 months).  After many, many months, we learned that the agency was interpreting our request as under 24 months.  This was so frustrating to hear, as obviously, there aren't very many sibling groups, other than twins, that would match this request.  We changed our request to siblings under 3, and continued to wait.

At the time of the bankruptcy, we were family number 6 "in line" for siblings.  We felt like this was a pretty strong position, and did not change to a single child at that time.  Our hearts' desire was for siblings, for a few reasons... first, we really wanted to parent at least 4 children, second, we thought it might be beneficial for our adopted children to have a sibling with shared history, especially since we have two biological children, and third, we weren't sure we would ever afford to adopt again, and adopting siblings was more cost-efficient than adopting a single child, twice.

After the restructuring, referrals began again in Dec 2009.  We noticed it was mostly single proposals, with a few sibling sets now and then.  Most sibling groups were above the age range we had requested.  We began to consider raising our age limit, or opening ourselves to a single child.  Faith and Thomas were older than when we began the adoption process, of course, so adopting a slightly older child did not seem as overwhelming.

We had a hiccup in the spring of 2010.  We were due for an update, and right before we began that, we learned that the ministry in Ethiopia (MOWA) was hesitating in approving adoptive families where there was a history of any mental illness, including depression.  I was treated for post-partum depression after both Faith and Thomas, and this had been mentioned in my homestudy (I included it specifically as an example of how we were proactive in seeking out support when we faced struggles!)  Our agency advised that we wait to do our update until this issue was settled.  After all, with each update costing over $1000, why spend the money if we would not continue to be eligible to adopt.

At this same time, Imagine was undergoing another transition.  The board of directors had determined that because adoptions were not being completed at the rate that was predicted during the restructuring, the "new" agency was not going to be self-sufficient under it's current cost structure.  The plan was to "hire" another agency, Mission of Tears, who would take over the day-to-day operations in exchange for a "management fee".

The timing of this meant that it took a very long time to get a clear answer regarding the whole depression issue.  In the meantime, our file had expired, which meant we were not able to be matched.  This was very frustrating for us!  Finally, we were told that it should not be a problem in our case, and so we began our update.  This update did not go smoothly, and so it was many months "lost" in our case.  Just to give an example of the types of issues we faced, we had to apply for new passports, and my passport picture was rejected!  Seriously.  We just couldn't catch a break...

There were other changes to the program as well.  Ethiopia had started requiring adoptive families to appear for court, which meant two trips, or one extended stay.  The Board of Directors implemented an annual "file maintenance fee", as the agency was again running low on funds.  Keep in mind, they had signed on no new families since the bankruptcy, and so there was no revenue at all, but many expenses.  We understood, but it was still a hard pill to swallow.

In the fall of 2011, it was time for another update, and at this time we did raise our age limit and open up to single children, as well as siblings.We worded our age limit as "Born after January 1, 2007" which kept Faith as the oldest by 2 years, and potentially twinned Thomas.  We thought we would be matched shortly with a single child, as sibling groups were few and far between.

I think it was around this point that we became the "oldest" family with the program.  This was hard, and as happy as I was for those who did receive child proposals, it was hard not to feel like, "why not us?".  The new agency, Mission of Tears (MoT), did not seem to give proposals "in order"... Many adoption agencies don't, but KL/Imagine basically did, so it was a tough change.  The process went from feeling at least a little bit predictable ("we're getting closer") to totally random.  At one point, I actually wondered if they had lost our file!

In November 2012, the director of MoT, and his wife, traveled to Edmonton to meet with families.  We were able to meet Rev. & Mrs. Lewis, and it was nice to put a human face to the "people in charge".  I feel like it was important that they met us, and in hindsight, I wish I would have found a way to make that meeting happen sooner.

We were left with the impression that the program in Ethiopia was slow, but still steady, and that we could expect to be matched soon.  Rev. Lewis was traveling to Ethiopia in December, and he said he would specifically inquire to see if there were any waiting children that met our request.  He asked if we would consider a 6.5 year old boy, and we said that we would, if the child's circumstances/health were suitable.   We left the meeting hopeful that we would hear something when he returned to Canada.

Well, this post has gotten very long, and it's time to put kids to bed, so I will pick up here next time! (Hopefully that won't be 5 years from now!)
~Heather