So! After 9 weeks in Ethiopia (and 6 years of waiting before that!) we are finally ready to come home to Canada with our newest addition. We are so, so excited to be coming home; I have never been "away" for longer than 10 days, for any reason, and so I am really missing my family and friends. And of course, we are excited to introduce everyone to our new son.
I wanted to take a moment and write a bit about Bereket's transition when we get home. While we have had the advantage of having 7 weeks with him in our care here in Ethiopia, we are anticipating a bit of regression and disruption with the move to Canada. Here, our family has been pretty isolated. We really only spend time with 3 other families, and they have their own newly adopted children to worry about, so their relationship with Bereket has not really impaired his attachment to us. When we get home, we are blessed (SO BLESSED) by the dozens of people with whom we normally interact on a regular basis. And while we are so thankful to have such a large support network, it may be very confusing for Bereket to figure out who is who, and what role they have in his life.
For this reason, when we first get home, and for an undetermined amount of time, we will be keeping Bereket's circle pretty small. Because of the busy nature of our life with two other school-aged children, our "cocooning" may look different than other adoptive families you may know. In some ways, we will be jumping right in to life (piano, scouts, etc.) and Bereket will tag along when necessary. Of course, if we notice Bereket is overwhelmed with too much running around, we will make adjustments as needed.
The biggest thing is that we will be intentionally restricting who he interacts with, and how those interactions go. Grandparents and our siblings (and their children) will be able to visit in the first few weeks, but we will limit visits with other relatives and friends for the first while. When you do interact with Bereket, please keep the following things in mind:
~ Please feel free to be friendly with Bereket, but not overly affectionate. We believe that demonstrations of affection should be limited to those that Bereket has an actual relationship with, not people he is just meeting. So a friendly hand-shake or high-5 is fine; hugs and kisses, not so much.(Grandma's and Grandpa's - yes, you can hug him if he permits! I'm not an ogre!) ;) As your relationship with Bereket develops naturally over time, then normal displays of affection will develop in the context of that relationship.
~Please do not gush over how cute he is! Yes, he is adorable, but we don't want that to be the focus of every interaction... Also, I've heard so many times from adoptive parents how their adopted child is just fawned over to the exclusion of their other children, and how hurtful that can be to them. So please keep that in mind.
~When playing with Bereket, please redirect requests for nurturing back to David or myself. So if he is hungry, thirsty, gets hurt, needs a cuddle, etc., please direct him back to us, with a friendly, "Let's see your mom for a [kiss, drink, etc]" At this stage in the game, he needs to have his needs met by us.
~If he calls you "Mom" or "Dad", please correct him. "I'm not your mom, I'm [Susan, Mrs. Smith, Grandma, whatever]. Your mom is over there. [point]" Repeat, repeat, repeat. ;) It took 5 weeks here, but he does now call Karen "Karen" not "Mom". He needs constant reinforcement that not everyone who has something he wants is "mom".
~Please do not initiate lap-sitting or carrying. If he requests to be "up", please redirect him to one of us.
I hope this doesn't sound like a huge list of "rules"! I don't want to be overwhelming or make you all (who I love so much!) feel rejected. We just want to apply the things we have learned to help Bereket get off to the best possible start. If I notice something that I feel could be an impediment to his attachment, please do not take offense if I mention it. I know that it can feel like an unnatural way of interacting with a child; I've struggled myself with friends' newly adopted children. The reality is that attachment, especially in older child adoption, is an ongoing process... It could take years, really, for him to be completely attached. So we will be constantly adjusting our actions based on how he seems to be doing. We appreciate that this might seem arbitrary from the outside, but please trust us that we are only doing what we believe to be best for Bereket. Our desire is that his strong attachment to us serves as a springboard for his eventual attachment with you; indeed, everything in his life will be easier if he is strongly attached to us, his parents.
One last thing - Please extend a lot of grace to us as we figure this all out. Parenting an older adopted child is tricky business. We may at times seem overly strict, and at others, overly permissive. There may be different rules and privilages for different children, based on their needs and abilities. Please trust us that we are doing our best. Your thoughtful encouragement is always appreciated!
We love you all and can't wait to see you!
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